Elmlea is "now even creamier",
Except it was "now even creamier" a few years before that, and again a time before that.
I'd hate to think what Elmlea would have tasted like 20 years ago, all those years of uncreaminess packed into the product, it was probably just white water.
Should we be thankful of all those years of creaminess?
No of course we shouldn't, it's obviously all just a big con. We should all remain vigilant of marketing stupidity like this.

What they should really say is:-

"Just the same as always, we didn't want to put up the price so we're actually just ripping you off without you knowing it by making the box smaller, or making you think it tastes better, when in fact it's just the same".

Another thing that annoys me is when manufacturers tell you how to enjoy the product at its best.
Naturally products do go bad after time, meat for example should be consumed within a few days of purchase. This is obvious really to anyone who cooks food.

So a best before date is a sensible thing to display on the packaging.
But I've seen Tesco meals that say. This meal is best served with xxxx Tescos Wine and xxxxx Tescos cake".
Obviously, it'll just taste the same whenever you eat it or whatever else you eat it with, but why must they make up a load of nonsense to get you to buy other brands?
I fail to see how it'll make your meal taste better by having other Tesco's items at your disposal. If I was a food manufacturer I'd put on the packaging:-

"best served by oral insertion and rudimentary chomping actions"
In the future they'll probably be saying you also need to sit on a green Tesco chair using Tesco cutlery and whilst watching Tesco telly.

Kellogg's slogan is "The only way to start your day!". I'm tempted to write to them and provide photgraphic evidence that I've eaten toast and that I've started my day without Kellogg's Cornflakes. This proving their claim to be completely false.

I've always wondered why After Eight mints are called that. Perhaps they're best enjoyed "After Eight" like the name suggests.
But it is unclear to stupid like me on what to do exactly, is that after eight in the morning or after eight at night? There could be some early morning mint eaters out there you know who love to divulge in them at breakfast.
And what about past eight of the previous day, or what about if you're on a plane?
Imagine the confusion that may happen, if anyone actually cared what the product says about itself.
That's not taking the picture into consideration either. It's roughly positioned at 08:06. Is this a serving suggestion, one that requires me to consume the entire box during this time period? "At the stroke of 20:06 :- DOWN IT IN ONE!"

That of course brings me to the next gripe, the legendary "serving suggestion" this has always been a 'timeless classic' of mine.

For example on a the front of a packet of Kellogg's All Bran it shows a big bowl filled with All Bran, so far so good.
But then I see pieces of strawberry, I search everywhere for them but non can be found. And it's all topped off with ice cold white paint.
(You don't honestly think milk splashes out like that now do you?)
Or perhaps it's just the natural creaminess of Elmlea in 20 years time, "now so creamy it can also be used as a bathroom adhesive".
Surely in the case of the All Bran it should be renamed to "serving impossibility".
I cannot serve even the serving suggestion, let alone my own suggestion, I do not have all the components ready from the box.
it's like a DIY cupboard with no doors included. it's a food disgrace and should be reported immediately.

Anyway, I'm disgressing away from the topic in hand, we come to mnain feature of John Smiths Beer. Not content with just opening the can and drinking it, there is in fact a way to pour the "perfect pint" as described on the can.
As opposed to obviously the "crap pint" or "slightly inferior pint", however you manage to pour out either of those types, if they even exist.
On the can were a set of instructions for the user to follow.
So it was time for a letter of complaint.

Dear John Smith's,

I am warning you today of a devastating event that happened to me recently with one of your cans, this is to prevent the possibility of other more aggressive consumers complaining, or possibly even suing your company for damages.

It all started on a typically tranquil night when I sat down with my appropriately chilled beer glass and perfectly cool can of John Smith's Extra Smooth.
I was about to crack open the can as normal when all of a sudden I noticed something exhilarating on the can.

On closer inspection I unearthed a set of instructions on pouring the 'perfect beer'.
In an instant I was filled with great joy, knowing there was a way to pour the perfect pint of your fine drink, this got me very excited. There are very few things in life that are perfect, I was extremely eager to get started on pouring my perfect pint so I could indulge myself in carousing ecstasy.

Although I could barely contain myself I forced myself to calm down with deep breaths. Eventually I was relaxed and calm and during this state I decided to take things slowly.
As I started to read the can I was pleased to see that I had already fulfilled the criteria for the first pointer and after a brisk glance at the second I discovered that I'd accomplished this one too. This task seemed easier than it looked, this gave me colossal amounts of confidence.

Despite the flawless performance so far, pointer 3 was when things started to get a little more complex. With glass held in left hand, I was shocked at the level of accuracy needed for its orientation.
I decided to use a protractor to ensure I would accurately adhere to the 45-degree angle shown on the diagram. I then proceeded to rotate the glass accordingly.
Next up was point 4, I was now starting to get uncontrollably ecstatic again, I could sense the 'perfect beer' sensation was getting close.

With can held in my right hand I decided to spontaneously improvise on the specified 'extra smooth movement' with a bit of my own creative flair.
But, as I started to pour there was an eerie silence. Silly me, I hadn't even opened the can, no wonder there was no flow.
I decided to step up the next level and use my initiative, so with my right hand I opened the can and started my unique pouring motion once again.

But then, disaster struck. As the beer filled up the glass it suddenly started to overflow. As you can probably imagine, I was extremely devastated as the catastrophe unfolded right before my eyes. I was frozen in narcosis, unable to move.
With glass equipped at 45 degrees in left hand and can still performing the extra smooth movement in my right hand, all I could do was watch my perfect beer flow ubiquitously. There was no turning back now. No time to re-read the instructions.

I was distraught that it had all gone terribly wrong.
Seeking answers, I clutched at the empty can in anger, but only to be mocked with the last meaningless pointer of 'Cheers'.
All I could do was wallow in self-pity.

And thus ends my tragically true story.

So contradictory to the claim on your can "without wasting a single drop", I had sadly wasted many. If only I'd been given further admonition to ensure no error.
'Bob'TM the floating widget did not on this occasion ensure 'pure silk in a glass'. Instead I now had pure silk in my carpet, which hadn't been chilled for a couple of hours. The 'perfect beer' seemed now a distant and irremediable dream.

This for me has been a major ordeal. It took me many minutes to get over the trauma. I did eventually master the technique but the beer tasted just the same as if I'd poured with my normal action, I've now reverted back to how I used to pour the pint before.
'To pour the perfect beer' is surely just a gimmick but more importantly what if others run into the same problems as I did? Just imagine how much valuable "John Smith's ESTB 1758 Extra Smooth Draught with Bob The WidgetTM" would be wasted if everyone who bought a can of your fine drink blundered in this fashion from your instructions.

However, there may be a positive way forward. If I may, I would like to suggest a realistically feasible solution. Perhaps the totally inane and unavailing pointer of 'Cheers' should be changed to something more appropriate like:-
"As your glass approaches maximum capacity be sure to erect your glass to an upright position to avoid unnecessary spillage."
It is quite clearly as it stands not a valid instruction and obviously just a comment or statement and should therefore be removed.

Additionally, maybe adding an extra pointer between pointers 3 and 4 with "Open the can by simply pulling on the ring" would also be a worthy idea, obvious perhaps, but this would avoid confusion for people when the beer doesn't pour out of the can.

Adding these two new pointers I feel would be very beneficial. In this way, surely not even the stupidest of people would gaffe like I did.

Anyway, I hope that after sharing my heart breaking story and voicing my opinions you find this information useful.
I'd like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this letter and hope appropriate action is taken where necessary.
Finally can you please inform me of any action taken so I can rest safely at night knowing that nobody else will ever have to go through the same trauma as myself.

Yours faithfully

ENAY
Trainee Alcoholic Beverage Tippler

And a few days later they replied back, here below is their letter.